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What does Carlos have that I don't? :
A date tonight? :
Ooh, stop the tape, rewind, play it again! :
[makes rewind sound] A date tonight?
What are you doing here. :
Oh, you know, uh, just shopping for, uh... dip. I love dip. Well, I don't love dip, I like dip. As a friend.
[trying to act casual] :
[on the phone] Hello? :
Hi, Ted. :
Amanda? Oh, Denise, sorry, you totally sounded like Amanda...
Sorry I missed your party again. :
Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita!
[to Marshall and Lily] :
So, you threw all these parties for me? :
No! Oh, you thought - no... okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties was so I could introduce you to, um...
[Barney shoves some random guy towards Ted] :
...this guy! I figured, since it didn't work out between us, and now we can just laugh about it...
[laughs weakly] :
Anyways, Robin, this is... :
Carlos. , :
I don't know, Ted, I mean, we barely know each other... and you're looking at me with that look, and it's like... :
Like what? :
Like "Let's fall in love, and get married, and have kids and drive them to soccer practice." :
I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.
You can't turn off the way you feel. :
[pantomimes turning a dial on his chest] Click. Off. Let's make out. :
What, that was the off switch! And I turned it off... I mean, yes, sure, I wanna fall in love, get married, blah blah blah, but... on the other hand, you, me... the roof... :
There's no off switch. :
There's an off switch. And it's off. :
[leaning in] No it's not. :
Yes, it is. :
No, it's not. :
Yes. It is...
[they kiss passionatly] :
...No it's not... You were right. There's no off switch... God, I wish there was an off switch!
What's he got that I don't? :
A date tonight? :
Ohhhhh, Robin! Pause tape, rewind! :
[makes sound of tape being played backward] A date tonight? :
I don't think I like her...
You know it's so funny I ran into you. We're having a party next Friday if you'd like to swing by, but, you know, whatever. :
Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. Too bad it's not tonight. :
It is, it's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, 'cause I've been saying next Friday all week. But yeah it' the party is tonight. But, you know, whatever.
[At the bar with Robin] Look who I ran into. :
Since when do you guys know each other? :
Since about, here.
[Points to top of glass]
Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal between you and me. I'm really sorry. :
I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered. :
It's funny. When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is, and then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just liked the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use. You know? :
Well, since you know me pretty well... Am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing? :
I don't know. I will say this, though. I've seen Barney work very hard to get women. I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was going to give him an A. Well, B+; Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve.
Barney's my boyfriend! I've said it like a hundred times, and it still sound weird. :
Well anything sounds weird when you say it 100 times... Bowl...
Now, as you can see, well over fifty percent of the blankets have been dragged onto her side. Make no mistake: Robin Scherbatsky is a classic textbook cover hog. Any questions? :
Yeah, I have one. :
Yes, Robin?
[there is a brief pause before Ted and Barney realize who it is with an identical dramatic gasp]
Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est person in the world, but a little more effort would be nice. :
I understand. I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up. I mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.
[Look over at Ted] :
[Repeating at different pitches] Bowl. Booo-wl. Bowl. Bowl. :
No, that's not it.
Over the next couple weeks, Barney was thoughtful, considerate, sweet. In short, the perfect boyfriend. Which, to Robin, meant only one thing. :
He's cheating on me.
[about Marshall's barrel] You need a hand throwing it out? :
No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? Mabel's like family. :
So, um, what are you gonna do with Mabel? :
I want to give her away to a lucky new owner. Do you know anyone? :
Yeah, hmm, let me think. Do I know any rodeo clowns? Oh, that's weird, I do. But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.
[In Classroom] Which brings us to an important point: defusing the bomb. :
[Apartment] "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean? :
[Reading] "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You." :
"Distract" me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off!
[Throws something] :
"Immediately switch the conversation To one of the following, unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."
[Shots flip between Ted at the classroom and Robin at the apartment] :
One: Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title. :
What? That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden. :
Two: Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance. :
You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob. :
Three: Emperor Penguins. :
Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other?
Mr. Penguin.
Mrs. Penguin. Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy.
[laughs] :
What were we talking about?
Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life not to have my father to say, "I am proud of you, eh?" :
So why are you crying now? :
[Teary] I'm not crying.
I have so many questions. Why would you do this? What were you thinking? Who the hell is that guy?
[points to random Asian kind in the classroom] :
Oh, that's Shin-Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class. :
[Furious] "Auditing"? :
Well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't think he speaks much English.
I hope you're ready for some hardcore battleship. :
Hardcore - that's the only way I play.
[Barney undresses in front of her] What the hell are you doing? :
I'm birthday-suiting-up!
[Congratulating Marshall and Lily on their anniversary] Nine years? Your relationship is a fourth grader.
You and me? That's insane. If you even thought about it for one second... :
But I have thought about it-for three seconds-and it makes a lot of sense. We both think the marriage/commitment thing's a drag. We both want something casual and fun. And we clearly get along really well. :
Wow, that actually did make a lot of sense.
[Playing laser tag] I'll lay down some cover fire, you make a run for it. :
Leave no man behind. Either we all get out of here, or no-one does. :
But I... :
Don't be a hero Scherbatsky. :
See you on the other side.
[At the bar] Hundred dollars says when you turn around, I say "wow." :
Barney, this is the third time you've hit on me by accident. :
It's one of the many risks of the blind approach. It's usually a two-man operation where Ted signals that the target is hot. But Ted's too busy being in a lesbian relationship.
Slut would have been better, but I'll settle for bro. Especially now that Ted's with Victoria and can't drink. Because he's pregnant. Cause he's the girl. :
Oh, come on, Ted can't be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant. :
What up! Freeze frame high five!
[after Barney discovers that Robin likes Ted] You're not gonna tell him, are you? :
No. That's the bro code. A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him. Just like the third bro doesn't tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare pickle in front of her. It's quid pro bro.
You know, Barney, I had a surprisingly good time bro-ing out tonight. :
Well, you make a good bro. You're a better Ted than Ted. Hey, in fact, you have just earned yourself an invite to Marshall's bachelor party. And you don't even have to come out of the cake.
Watch your step when you get up kids, 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway. :
Wait a minute. A month ago you told me relationships were like a traveling circus. :
No, this is new, this trumps that. Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower. :
So, every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually yeah, I get that. :
[ignoring what Robin just said] The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months - That's when you guys
[pointing at Ted and Robin] :
are gonna break up, mark your calendars. :
Then a year and a half, eighteen years, and the last exit: death, which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like "Are we there yet?"
You know, Katie, I have wanted to come to the Empire State Building for so long, but I waited to come here with someone special. :
Oh, here we go. :
Marshall and I have never been to the Empire State Building either. But I'm so glad I waited to do something so important with my fiancee. :
Speaking of waiting, I signed an abstinence pledge in high school. It's totally cool to wait. And stay away from drugs... other than pot.
You are such a hypocrite. You lost your virginity when you were sixteen. :
How did you know that? :
I read your diary. I found it in your old room slash my new room. :
I'll give you $10,000 for that diary.
You know what? You gave it away too early. You're an "I love you" slut. :
Yeah, well you're an "I love you" prude. You know what? I'm taking mine back. :
You can't do that! :
Just did. In fact, I'm giving it away, because I'm a slut.
[to a stranger] :
Hey, I love you. :
Thanks, man! I came in here to jump. I really needed that.
Okay but, if relationships are like a freeway, then saying "mm hmm hmm" is like, getting into the carpool lane. And, I don't want to take an exit but at the same time I'm not ready to get into the carpool lane. Because what's in the carpool lane? Oh, it's a big diamond!
I've been dating Kyle for two months now. It's like forever. I mean, we've already done everything else. I mean, we've even... :
[plugs her ears] Oh. La, la, la, la, la.La, la, la, la, la, la, la,la, la, la, la, la. :
[to Lily] Even Kyle gets to do that.
[after finding out her sister is planning on loosing her virginity] This can't happen. She's my baby sister, okay? She should be watching The Little Mermaid and drinking Yoohoo, and not having sex. :
Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex. I was 17. :
[Gestures to himself and Lily] We were 18. :
Barney was probably 12. :
[laughs nervously] Good one, Ted. I was, uh, six... fourt... How old were you again? :
Dude, me, too.
Katie, I'll admit, maybe I'm not in any place to lecture you on romantic relationships, but... but I just don't want you to make the same mistakes that I've made. :
Oh, believe me, Kyle is not gay.
You only get one shot at losing your virginity. And even though I just barely had sex, it counts. :
What do you mean just barely? :
Well, he didn't dive all the way into the pool, but he... splashed around in the shallow end. :
Then you didn't lose your virginity to him. Just barely doesn't count. :
Yes, it does. :
No, it doesn't. :
Yes, it does. :
No, it doesn't. It doesn't count. End of story. :
Ooh, why, Lily Aldrin, you saucy little harlot. Could it be that before Marshall took a swim, someone else tested the water?
[about an urn-like object] What's that thing? :
For some it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match!
I can't believe I'm talking to a therapist. Well, ususally I'm not the touchy-feely, talk-about-your-emotions type. But with this... I just had to be a big enough person to admit that I need help. Huh. I guess this is what growing up feels like. :
This is *court*-mandated therapy. You assaulted a woman. :
[laughs and waves hand dismissively] :
That silly thing.
[More serious after getting a look from Kevin] :
I guess we can talk about that.
[When Barney is singing to Nora] He is so dreamy! :
[Screaming] NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE!
So you're drunk, under a desk, binge eating stolen chocolate? :
Boy, I'm not coming across great here, am I? :
This is not about how you're coming across. But no.
[Coming into Marshall and Lily's doctor appointment] I checked out all this stuff this "Doctor" says is okay, and She's wrong. So for the health of this baby, I'm stepping in
[Reveals Team Baby shirt he's wearing] :
[Back to Robin and Kevin] Sounds like this Ted guy could benefit from some therapy. :
Oh, he definitely could.
Maybe you should write on that little chart you got there "selflessly tried to help a friend in need". :
First of all, this is a crossword puzzle.
I can't believe you're still running plays on dumb blondes! I thought you were serious about Nora. :
No, I've been good, I swear! I just forgot about my BDS's. :
BDS's? :
Bimbo Delivery Systems. You see, over the years I've launched a variety of systems that are always working to get me laid. Like my pop-up ads
[Cut to video] :
Oh hi. I'm doctor Barney Stinson. Are your really large breasts making everyday tasks difficult? :
[Tries to water plant, knocks it over] Oh! There's just gotta be a better way! :
There is! I, Dr. Barney Stinson - for a limited time only - can give you a free breast reduction consultation. Call me! If your knockers are just too damn big, I can handle them - it! :
[Back to the gang] Women actually fell for that? :
Yeah, that business really took off. It played in all kinds of markets
[See various ads] :
[On the show Survivor] Okay survivors, today's reward challenge is brought to you by Dr. Barney Stinson's Free Breast Reduction Consultations.
I suppose now you want me to talk about it feel to watch Barney and Nora walk off together :
Actually, I'd much rather skip ahead to the assault. My next client thinks he's god, and on the off change he's right, I really don't want to keep him waiting.
Do you know how many times I could've cheated on him? Six... no, seven. And you know two of them, and they would surprise you.
[after hearing Ted went to a club with a girl] Dancing? He went dancing with this girl? Okay, maybe this is a little bad. Dancing is bad. Dancing leads to sex. :
Did you grow up in that Footloose town?
[In the apartment of the girl barney just hooked up with] Come on, let's go before she gets out of the shower. :
You're such a pig. You're not even going to say good-bye? :
I'll have you know I composed a lovely form letter for use in just such an occasion. Just fill out her name and then...
[Thinks, trying to remember the girls name] :
Something with a "A." A... A... I'll just put "resident."
[Hears the shower shut off] :
Go, go, go, go!
[Outside nightclub] Excuse me. I'm looking for a couple guys who came in here earlier. One's about six-four, 210, sandy brown hair. And the other's a cheating bastard. :
You're going to need to refresh my memory. :
Okay, fella. Baby knows how this game's played. How's a 20 help your memory?
[Hands him a 20 dollar bill] :
Thanks, but seriously, it was crazy tonight. You really do need to refresh my memory. :
Oh, Then can I have the...?
[Tries to take her money back, but the bouncer pockets it] :
That's cool. You keep that.
You know this girl. Where does she live? :
I'm not telling you that for less than 20 bucks. :
Well, I'm out of money. :
I'm cashed, too. :
I'll take your purse. :
My purse? :
Yeah, my girl likes clutches. :
Okay, fine.
[Takes everything out of her purse then hands it over] :
[to the bouncer] You should tell her that looks really good with a chocolate boot. :
Bitch is lucky I brought my small purse. No room for my gun. Here. Now where does the rodeo slut live? :
The building with the green light, apartment 3-C. :
Oh, my God, Robin, are you going to kick this girl's ass? :
Yeah... And steal her purse.
How was your day? :
[Walks away] :
Wow, you're a great interviewer. Aren't you gonna ask how my day was? :
No, I know how it was. It was awful.
[Moves along] :
Ooh, you want to rent a movie tonight? :
You know, um... I listen to your work stories all the time. :
Yeah, but... and I don't want to be rude here, but my work stories are interesting. I'm a television news reporter. :
[Cut to Robin and Lily talking at the chiropodist] Robin! :
What? I knew exactly what he was going to say. I was just helping him get there faster. :
You should work at a suicide hotline.
[after hearing Ted invited a girl from the bar to Marshall's law party] He asked her to a party. Oh, my God, are you okay? :
Okay? It's awesome. It's a win-win. Ted got to vent and I don't have to hear it. Maybe after he's done with the talkie-talk, he'll come over and I'll get the fun part. :
What is wrong with you? God, I feel like I'm teaching love as a second language here. Okay, you know how when he tells you boring work stories you're supposed to listen? Well, when he picks up some random girl at a bar, you're supposed to freak out. :
I'm not freaking out because in my mind, she's fat. :
She's a kickboxing instructor. Her ass looks better than my face. :
All right, we'll swing by the party.
Back to the sun rising over Ted and, uh... Oh, what tasteful way did you describe her? :
The girl with the smackable ass. :
Yes, that's the young lady.
For the record, your little "lemon law" is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society. :
No, wrong. Lemon law's awesome.
I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing. :
When was the last time you were there? :
Three months ago
[Robin laughs] :
What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there.
You talked about who gets the apartment, right? :
Yeah, we've talked about it.
[Flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment] :
So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment? :
Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that? :
Future Ted and Future Marshall. :
Totally. Let's let those guys handle it. :
[Back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar] Dammit Past Ted!
[Robin is calling Barney on his date so he can fake an emergency and leave] Hello? :
Hi there, sexy. :
Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up? :
Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff. :
An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK? :
Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy. :
[Acting upset] Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter? :
Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate. :
Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there.
[Eating at a Futuristic themed restaurant] It's a nice place. It's good to know the future has ribs. :
In the future food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. Plus cows will probably have died out by then... or be our leaders.
[At the hospital after Lily was stabbed] Is she OK? :
They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine. :
So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie.
[Ted, Marshall and Robin give him a look] :
What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie... :
[At the bar] Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie Ohhh. :
Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you.
[Leaves] :
[Back at the hospital] It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law.
[At the Chinese restaurant that was formally her apartment] OK, a toast.
[Everyone lifts their cup] :
Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff. , , , :
Here here. Cheers
[Everyone clinks glasses] :
And to the lemon law! :
[Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him] Self-clink.
[Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together]
[Looking at Computer] This is the 90s, why does it look like 1986? :
The 80s didn't come to Canada til like '93.
You're afraid of the seven dwarfs? :
Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, he's got a medical degree. Why is he hanging around a bunch of coal miners?
My friend from Canada had to do her vows twice, once in French. :
They speak French there too? God, that country's messed up.
That wasn't a real secret! :
Yeah, but it could've been! :
You are driving me crazy! No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong! :
[deadly serious] He moved there for business!
Wha... I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls? :
Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment. :
The "Ohhh..." moment? :
Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.
[Flashback to Barney with different girls] :
It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married. :
Ohhhh... Girl #2:
I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out! :
Ohhhh... :
I just turned 30. :
Ohhhhhh... :
[Back to present] So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible :
Hmm... I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh..." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
[Flash to Robin and Ted at the altar] :
I now pronounce you man and wife. :
I love you. :
I used to be a dude. :
Ohhhhhh...
So what's the deal with you and malls? :
I thought you said if I don't want to talk about it I don't have to... :
Yeah with *those* people. C'mon I'm your boyfriend! What is it? Did you get arrested in a mall? :
Dumped in a mall? :
Found out you were Canadian at a mall? :
Let it go. :
Trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? :
Let it go. :
Mauled at the mall?
[Watching the Robin Sparkles "Let's Go to the Mall" video] Did you have to laugh like that every time? :
[Flatly] Yes.
So now Ted has an assistant to help him not do anything. :
Hey, PJ's been a huge help to me, setting up the office, designing the Web site. And in return, I'm mentoring a bright young mind. :
Ah, yes, the mentoring. :
[Cut to Ted and PJ] I want you to go outside today and simply put your hands on buildings. All right? Feel the concrete pulse. Listen Listen to the stories the stones are telling you... And pick up my dry cleaning. :
I will. Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby
[Leaves] :
Hey, Ted? This table just told me you're a douche.
Hey, PJ, I actually have an architectural question for you. Um, how does Ted's ass taste? :
I wouldn't know, but I assume it tastes like genius.
Distracting PJ is going to kill our productivity. :
What productivity? You haven't even called a single client. :
Hey, once I get the Web site up, the brochures printed, and figure out what trusts games we're going to play at the corporate retreat, I am making those calls. :
Corporate retreat? :
Mr. Mosby and I are going camping on the roof.
Hey, there's Ted Mosby of Mosbius Designs. How's the home office coming, buddy? :
Well, it was going great till Robin started banging my assistant. :
Ted, it's our apartment, okay? You leave a big chocolate cake on the counter, Mama's gonna cut her off a slice.
When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream. :
That's the dream? THE dream? Like what Martin Luther King was talking about?
You okay? :
What if I don't think of the books? Excuse me? There's this famous architecture story about an architect who designed this library. It was perfect. But every year, the whole thing would sink a couple inches into the ground. Eventually, the building was condemned. He forgot to account for the weight of the books. This company it's just me. What if I don't think of the books? :
Okay first of all, nobody goes to libraries anymore, so who cares about that guy? Secondly, you need to get on the phone and start calling clients. :
The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. I mean, it's like I'm giving up before I even started. :
You want to talk about giving up? I used to describe my ideal guy as "funny, smart, passionate, challenging". And now, apparently, I will settle for "in my apartment".
Ugh, this is all Ted's fault. Ooh, like he's so perfect, Mr. Corrector. :
What are you talking about? :
Oh, come on, you dated the guy for a year and didn't notice that most of what he says is correcting you?
[flashback] :
Oh, can you hand me a Kleenex? :
Actually, Kleenex is a brand, this is a facial tissue.
[ during a movie] :
Oh my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl? :
Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene, that's Frankenstein's monster.
[ after having sex] :
That literally blew my mind. :
Figuratively.
[back to the bar] :
Oh, my God, that is so annoying! :
Isn't it?
Oh, my God, Lily! What are you eating? Gravel? :
Oh, I know, right? It sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner! :
Well, why don't you sing about it? :
[singing] Because I don't sing about everything I do! :
No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense words, like a stroke victim. And what's worse: they're catchy! Apple, Orchard, Banana Cat Dance. , , , :
See, we know that one because you once sang it for like three hours? What the hell is that? :
That's my password: AOBCD8663.
I'm gonna have to wait till the results come in the regular mail. That could be weeks from now, if ever! Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her when the baby was due. :
She wasn't pregnant? :
No, he was not.
You guys want a drink? :
I'll just have a water. :
Mmm, technically, water is a drink. :
Really, professor? You drink it? Is that how water works? Because I was just gonna smear it on my skin and hope that I absorbed it.
What about you, "Barney"? Okay, you... always... :
Interesting, interesting, everyone has annoying habits but me. :
Oh, got it. Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice. :
And you're constantly using lame catchphrases. :
And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention to what we're talking about. :
I'm sorry. what? Oh, see? You can't think of anything cause I am awesome. :
All three right the.
She just never shuts up, does she? :
She didn't stop to swallow her food. I was scared for her. I didn't want her to choke... at first
Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin? :
Wrong! The answer is: No, I secretly want to stay single and spend time with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can score someone hotter than Ted?
Correct! The answer was awkward silence. Question Three: Did I make up this quiz to prove a point? Yes. Yes, I did. :
Really? You mean it wasn't from Yellow Legal Pad Monthly?
[giving Ted his sword] It's a real bummer breaking up the set, but you're going to need it. :
He's right. My building is infested with dragons.
Ted, you're crazy! This girl is blinding you... with her shiny hair and boob-shaped boobs!
[turns to Robin] :
This is bad for you, too, you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup? :
I'm not wearing makeup right now... :
Holy crap, you're beautiful!
[flipping through Robin's DVDs] You have anything that wasn't made by John Woo? :
[exhales, amused] Why? Do you?
You haven't moved in yet, have you? Good. You guys have to take this quiz. I found it in a magazine. It's called the "Are you ready to move in together?" quiz. :
Well, if it's anything like you're "Are you wearing panties" quiz, I'm out.
[On the phone] Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel my subscription to Guns and Ammo, that would be great. No, it's a great magazine. Really great. They've printed three of my letters. It's just that my boyfriend is moving in and he kind of doesn't approve of the whole gun thing. A free hand grenade phone?
You know what? Let me give you my work address.
Baby, I'm so sorry. :
It's no big deal. He wanted to be a "we" and I wanted to be an "I"... Dudes are such chicks.
I never played any team sports. :
Are we playing "I never," because there's nothing left but peach schnapps.
So, do you like Mike? :
Do YOU like Mike?
Everyone else is off falling in love and acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me. Why don't I want that more? I *want* to want that... am I wired wrong or something? :
No... Look, you didn't want to be with me, so clearly you have abismal taste in men...
[they laugh] :
...but you're wired just fine.
I had a feeling I'd find you here. :
Oh, hey. If you're here for the Shagarats, you just missed the fourth encore.
How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night, on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up? :
Well, I'm pretty drunk...
Make fun of the Great White North all you want, but Canada is the greatest country in the world. :
Great... Social experiment.
[Chants] :
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
[Rest of the bar joins in] :
What does that even prove? They'll chant at anything. Ca-na-da! Ca-na-da!
[No one joins in] :
Ca-na... all right, so they won't chant at anything. :
[Chants] Shrimp fried rice! Shrimp fried rice!
[rest of the bar joins in] :
[Coming in] Shrimp fried rice, totally!
You're gonna pass that test, and I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna cram, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna bone up... :
All right, I get it. :
It's a rich area.
It's not gonna be easy, like the Canadian citizenship test. :
How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy? :
It's Canada! Question One: Do you want to be Canadian? Question Two: Really?
Last question. Who is this?
[Holds up picture of Ernest P Worrell] :
That is the fine actor best known for the Hey Vern series of films. And his name is Jeff Foxworthy. :
Wrong. It's Jim Varney. :
It's Jeff Foxworthy, you idiot! :
Robin, not only were you wrong, but you stubbornly stuck to your guns and insulted me in the process.
[Salutes] :
Congratulations, you are an American.
What happened? :
You went Canadian. :
How Canadian? :
This Canadian!
[Dramatically opens cu a building blocks the view] :
That was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto skyline. We're in Toronto!
You can be an American, but first we have to take the Canadian out of you. That's why I prepared these set of questions. Question one: Who is this?
[Holds up picture of Queen Elizabeth II] :
Queen Elizabeth II. :
Wrong! The correct answer is Elton John. Question two: What is this?
[Holds up picture of curling players] :
That is the sport of curling. The point is... :
Wrong! The correct answer is: I don't care, it looks dumb.
[Seeing Robin eat cereal] That looks good. I'll have some of that. :
Sorry. No milk. :
But I just saw a carton of milk in the fridge yesterday. :
It's empty. :
Then throw it away. :
Can't. Trashcan's full. :
So empty the trash. :
I would, but I'm eating cereal.
Haven't you tried not reading a magazine while "reading a magazine"? :
You have to read a magazine! That's why there are magazines! :
Otherwise, it's just a waste of our time.
Last night, I did it while returning a bunch of phone calls. :
I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!
By the way, our little arrangement is off. :
Oh, that's awes... ful. :
That's awesful.
[about Ted] You know what a romantic he is? He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like... :
I love you. :
Exactly. He's not like you, you know.
It was weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. W-I-E-R-D. Weird. :
That's not how you spell weird :
Come on Lily, nobody likes a Ted.
Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was, and I'm quoting, the "real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate "aboot"? :
Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find the northwest passage. :
Why are you guys even a country?
Everyone knows March has 31 days. It's general knowledge. , :
[Saluting] General Knowledge.
I have this kernel stuck in my teeth. , :
[saluting] Colonel Stuckinmyteeth. :
Will you cut it out already?
This looks like it's going to be a major clean-up. , , , , :
[saluting] Major Cleanup. :
Are we going to be doing this all the time? :
That's the general idea. , , , , :
[saluting] General Idea.
Pecan pie? Why are we making that? :
Um, it's my favorite. :
You're allergic. :
I know. I just like smelling it. It's like eating with your nose.
This is rad. A nice, calm, simple Thanksgiving. I'm the youngest of ten in my family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess. All the yelling and the screaming... :
And then a funny thing happened. :
It's really a major buzzkill. , :
Major Buzzkill. :
Oh no... :
I thought we were done with that! :
I guess we're not. :
Guess we're not.
Thanksgiving in November... weird.
Wait, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving? :
No, I have to work on Friday. You? :
I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October. :
Oh, right, I forgot, you guys are weird. You pronounce the word "out" "ouut." :
You guys are the world leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt, and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue. :
...Your cops are called "mounties."
[about having to do community service after being caught urinating in public] :
I was unfarely punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church. :
You peed on a church? :
I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk! :
[happily] You *are* evil! :
All is right with the world again.
Have you met Ted? :
I am the aforementioned Ted. :
Cool, so what do you do around here? :
Well... I... uh... I do nothing, absolutely nothing. :
Well, I think I can find something for you and your girlfriend to do. :
Oh, she's not my girlfriend. :
I'm his ex-girlfriend. I just wasn't enough woman for him. Emotionally... or sexually. :
[Robin goes up behind Amanda] Oh... my... God.
Man, it's amazing out there. I've done so much good today, I've got like a soul boner.
[Ted and Robin stare at him] :
And the way the faces of the less fortunate light up when you give them a hot, nutritious meal, is there a better feeling on earth? :
Yesterday you said the best feeling on earth was getting your toes sucked. Then you requested a high-five with your foot.
Okay, today's category, classic westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Robin. :
The good, the bad and the fabulous. :
The magnificent Kevin. :
No country for straight men.
I really like this painting. It's neat. The colors are neat, the shapes are neat, the overall painting is... neat.
Clarify something about your critique. Do you think the colors are neat or neato-burrito? :
At least I'm not wearing red cowboy boots. :
I'm pulling them off!
Everyone has something in their closet they don't wear. :
I don't. :
Really, red cowboy boots? :
I pull those off. :
Hey, Lil, if I said, "Ted cannot pull these off" what would I be talking about? :
His red cowboy boots.
I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress. :
A two-syllable "damn." That's the dream. :
Yeah. Now she belongs to... .
[Looks at Robin] :
It's still in the family!
Now, come one, pa-cow, you're the most awesome person I have ever known, well, the second most awesome. :
Right, of course, the first being you. :
No, no, the first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror, what-up.
Did he - and I'm trying to put this as delicately as possible - did he take your maple leaf? :
No, nothing like that. :
Did he give you your first O Canada face? :
This went on for quite a while. Some were sophisticated and elegant... :
Were the two of you really Inuit? :
Some were crude and ill-formed... :
Something about bear traps. :
And some were obvious and needed to be said. :
Did you ride his zamboni? :
No, I think I'm all out. :
Me too. I'm all out. Now I'm out.
Coming up next, is your baby trying to kill you?
[at the Bar] Barney, do you wanna come back to my place? :
Your place?
[Robin leans in and whispers in B Barney looks shooked] :
[in Robin's house, Robin playing with her hair like a 16 year old girl] :
Are you sure you wanna do it? :
Yeah I am. Let's just not tell anyone about it. :
Of course. So should I just put it in? :
Yeah, why not?
[opens a video tape and puts it in the VCR]
He was my first boyfriend. Simon. I thought he was the coolest guy ever. He smelled like Drakkar. He could ollie on a skateboard. And he had the most amazing collection of Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts. Ah... we spent the whole summer madly in love. :
Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?
[presses button to reveal lottery ball] :
Tonight's lottery numbers are. :
Say the line before you press the button. :
It builds the suspense. :
Yeah, it builds the suspense. :
Seventeen. :
Stop her! Why did she say it like that? It's like she's not even happy about the number 17 coming up. She just seems mean. :
Yeah, she seems super mean. Try it again and be more wry. :
Wry? About the number 17. :
Wry, with a little bit of a... :
...twinkle. :
Yeah, twinkle. :
[sexily] Seventeen.
[producer shakes head 'no'] :
That was great. Thanks!
[the gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1] Wow. You had more fans than I thought. :
And only about 60% of them are prison inmates. :
What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.
I can't break 15 bricks with my forehead. :
Robin, it's not 1950 anymore. Yes, you can.
Lottery girl's on! :
I just feel sorry for these women. This is where broadcast careers go to die. :
Check it out, I made a little game. :
And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19... :
Age you moved to New York after a photographer "discovered" you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine. :
Number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine. :
Age you claim you are. :
Age you actually are. :
Number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi. :
And tonight's Super Big Ball is... :
What happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up!
[to Ted] Doctor X, you're still bragging about Doctor X? :
Who's Doctor X? :
Nobody knows. He was this genius mystery DJ. :
It was Ted. :
[Ignoring Marshall] ... His identity remains a mystery to this day. :
It was Ted. :
[Ignoring Lily as well] ... But this phantom of the airwaves changed the very face of college radio. :
It was Ted. :
And your show sucked.
[gesturing to Robin's pint glass] That beer looks a little flat. :
It's Scotch.
I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him, you thought "This guy's a duck", but one of these days you're gonna realize "This is actually someone that I love, he's a rabbit". :
Wow I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate. :
Yeah I got to agree. Duck's up, rabbit down. :
Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits. :
I got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. Ducks are aargh. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are... jerks. :
This lead to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had.
[Flash forward, everyone is yelling] :
Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey. :
We're not talking about flavour, Ted! :
Flavour counts!
[Flash forward, yelling] :
Who carries a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone? :
[Flash forward, yelling] You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cosier? No, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier? :
[Flash forward] Hold on, I've got to get another book. :
[Flash forward] Then why don't we take, a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out? :
Because it's illegal, Ted! :
Only if we bet on it, Marshall! :
[Flash forward] FINE! I CAN SEE IT! YOU WIN!
So that settles it. Don's a rabbit. :
I wouldn't be too sure. Don... Donald... Donald Duck? And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear? :
Pants. Don's a duck. Requesting permission to lawyered. :
I'll allow it. :
Kids, I remember one time we all gathered at my apartment to watch the Superbowl. Well, not all of us...
[Cut to Barney at the stadium holding a sign] :
Welcome back to Superbowl XLIV in Miami. Get a load of that guy! You think that's his real number? :
Well, that explains where Barney is. :
Dibs on his wings!
Well, dog my cats! I think I know what's going on here. Robin... did you WANT Don to ask out? :
[I huffs] :
Nooo, I HATE Don! I-I-I can't stop thinking how much I hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. I just wanna attack him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. SHUT UP!
[Leaves the table]
Does it smell like strippers in here?
That's a very cute dress. :
Oh, thank you. :
It has to come off. I'm getting married. You can't look better than the bride.
You are aware that this is not Las Vegas. :
Tell me about it. In Vegas casinos pump in oxygen. Here, most guests bring their own.
Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love. :
Aaww... I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now! :
Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that. :
Oh, so can we see a judge? :
Absolutely! :
Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't. :
[Clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us? :
Because you're on CANDID CAMERA! :
Is what I would say... :
[Interrupting] You know what? We get it.
[about the game Shing Hasabu Shing] Now, I had been to a lot of casinos before that night, and I've been to a lot of casinos since, but in all that time I've never seen a game quite like this one. To this day, I have no idea how it was played. But luckily, Barney did. :
Do you understand what's happening? :
Not a clue. :
Do you think he's winning? :
I don't even know if he's playing. :
Wait, I get it. I understand this game. :
No, you don't. :
I totally understand the game, Theodore. Barney, split your tiles. You can triple your money if you find the jellybean. :
Marshall, please. Don't you think I know what I'm... My God, you're right.
Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon. :
I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic. :
Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that. :
What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch. :
The Fortress of Barnitude? No way. :
Oh come on. She's desperate. :
Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.
Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch? :
Because brunch is kind of... :
...Girlie. :
Girlie? Breakfast isn't girlie, lunch isn't girlie, what makes brunch girlie? :
I don't know... nothing girlie about a horse, nothing girlie about a horn... but put them together and you get a unicorn.
This is what I miss about being in a couple. I always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. God, I miss brunch! :
Well, I guess you could - well, you could try going to brunch alone. :
Oh, you don't think I've tried? :
[FLASHBACK] Table for one. :
One... Couple? :
Um, no, just me. :
Really? For brunch? :
You're right. Who am I kidding?
[Leaves restaurant. End of Flashback] :
Oh, the Popover Pantry! That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow? :
Of course, sweetie. :
Can I go with you guys? :
Really? For brunch?
[Marshall and Brad are going to a musical together] Mamma mia? :
Mamma mia!. You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, okay? It won all sorts of Tonies and stuff. :
No, totally. It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date. :
Ooh, third date. You know what that means. :
It is not a date,okay! It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show. :
You bros going to get dinner beforehand? :
We might grab a steak, yeah. :
Where at? :
[Embarrassed] Café l'amour.
[Ted and Robin laugh] :
Brad says the food is really good there, okay? :
Sounds like Brad's got quite the night planned out. You better bring your "A" game. That means no granny panties. :
All right, you know what? You two are just threatened because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' stuff. Well, guess what? It's my territory now. I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. That's right. Brad and I are taking back Broadway.
[after hearing Brad invited Marshall to a wedding] Okay, that's not too bad. Two single guys on the prowl. It'll be like "Wedding crashers". :
Just keep Brad away from the bouquet.
'This just in' is what I'm going to say when I'm stabbing you.
[On Don's voice-mail] I'm going to kill you, fly to Chicago, kill you, put your face on a deep-dish pizza and eat it. And then maybe catch a Bears Game, but mostly the killing and eating your face thing.
[Another voice mail to Don] I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am gonna kill you- No, I'm not. I am happy for you- and that Asian slut on your Facebook page, she's dead too.
I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn't exist. One day, Don and I are moving into together, and the next thing I know, he's on a plane to Chicago. It just... ended. And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We will always be...
[Shot to Ted giving a lecture] :
Unfinished. Gaudí, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that's not usually how it goes. Usually it isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown, pointy, weird church from getting built. Most of the time it's just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be...
[Ted stops speaking and runs out of the classroom to take Barney's job offer. On his way over the street, he almost gets hit by a bus. He looks at it for a second to take in the dramatic irony before he continues to run]
So, at any point in this, did you say, "Barney, I know what you're doing, and it's not gonna work. I'm not taking that job?" :
Uh, I mean, not exactly in those... :
You're loving this! :
You are! You are loving the attention. :
It's nice nice to be wanted! Okay? And yes, this is a new vest, thank you all for noticing. Oh, that's right: You didn't. Barney did. :
Oh, Teddy. You are so gonna spread your legs and design that building. :
[gasps] I am not that kind of architect!
[gets up and exits the room furiously]
[the gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021] You're too young, it's unfair! :
We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end. :
Thank you Marshall.
[coughs] :
Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend? :
Yes, yes, of course, anything. :
Eat this meatball sub.
[offers wrapped sub] :
Where did you get this... :
[Winces in pain] I don't have much time! :
[Unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course.
[prepares to bite] :
Does this have some sort of meaning?
[meatball sub explodes in his face] :
[Gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't - 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce! :
Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.
[Barney looks at his pajama his face decomposes itself]
The point is you can't trust graduation goggles. They are just as misleading as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles and that's just a bulky outdated cell phone in his front pocket goggles.
You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans right? :
What is wrong with you?
Wile E. Coyote wasn't trying to sleep with the Road Runner. :
Or maybe he was.
Well then you're not going to be able to pay for that trip to Spain that you've been planning. Say goodbye to riding around in gondolas, and eating bratwurst, and seeing the pyramids :
I don't think you know what Spain is. :
Well, I know that a trip there costs some serious Lira :
It's Dinero :
Where? I want his autograph!
No, it wasn't a cockroach, it had fur. And only mammals have fur. :
It was a cockroach. :
Come on Lily, the only way it was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed. :
Oh my god! :
Yeah, it had six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach! :
But it also had mouse-like characteristics, grey brown tufts of fur, a tail. :
So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse? :
It's a cockamouse! :
It's a whole new species, the cockamouse. :
And it's the size of a potato. :
So what now, a cocka-potato-mouse? :
Don't make it sound ridiculous, it's a cockamouse.
[after spotting the Cockamouse] Do something! :
[Robin throws a drink at it] What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk? :
It was the only think I could think of!
[about the Cockamouse] It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse... you know... :
Hit the horizontal ten-legged inter-species cha-cha? :
That's impossible. That simply can't happen. :
Oh, but it can. :
And it has. :
And it's pissed.
[after Marshall captures the Cockamouse and throws it out the window] It can fly. , :
Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious... Oh my God, it's headed this way!
[Slams the window shut]
[At MacLaren's Pub, watching a taped television news segment by Robin, who is interviewing Ellen Pierce, the owner of "Love Solutions", a matchmaking service. In the background, a young blonde enters the service] :
Was that chick at the end really a client? :
We're signing up... Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. That's a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with. :
I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up. It's the man version of getting a cat.
Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore or what the hell you're doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days? :
Uh, about once a week.
I got some vegetables. I got carrots, I got beets... :
Or we could just drink vine. :
Vine not. Huh. That's the stupidest thing I've ever said.
We should have sex. :
[Stunned] What? :
Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least, I'm good at it. And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way.
Do you want to come over? :
Why? What's up? :
Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like, "You know who likes juice? Ted." :
I love juice. :
Great. So you want to come over and make juice? :
When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions. :
Okay, sure. I'll come over. We'll... juice.
[In Lily's class] ... And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, and I strongly urge you to consider it as a career. Thank you.
[Girl puts up her hand] :
Do you have a fiancé? :
Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fiancé." :
Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé. :
Then who do you live with? :
Well, actually, I've got five dogs. :
Don't you get lonely? :
[With emphasis] No, I've got FIVE dogs. :
My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely. :
Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. Not that your grandmother is...
[Trails off] :
Does anyone else have a...? Yes? :
Are you a lesbian? :
No, are you? Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les...
[Lily interrupts her] :
Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter.
You sent a wang out and got a wang back.
It's a booma-wang. :
No I meant the wang.
You're all the Blitz! I slept with that cute Indian girl that cuts my hair. :
What does that have to do with anything? :
Nothing I just forgot to brag about it before!
I think the smaller turkey just tried to crawl further inside the bigger turkey.
Ted, you violated a dead turkey with another dead turkey! Don't let that be in vain.
He's a hockey player and I'm Canadian. I can't help it. If he was missing some teeth I probably would've already hit that.
We can split a cab to work together, we always have a standing lunch date, and last night, at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room and I met Mason Raymond.
[gang looks clueless] :
Left wing for the Vancouver Canucks! :
What's the opposite of name-dropping?
And now, here's Curt 'The Ironman' Irons with sports.
[Curt doesn't pay attention, just looks depressed] :
Curt. Curt?
[after a few seconds, Curt finally looks up] :
Well, the Knicks lost. It's sad, really. They had a real shot. Then out of nowhere, game over. And why? Why, Robin? :
Well, their preliminary shooting has been a little off this season... :
The Knicks lost because they were afraid of getting hurt. So they didn't even try. Well, you know what I think? I think the Knicks didn't deserve my love to begin with. The Knicks suck!
[gets up and storms out of the studio]
[Year 2005] If you screw up Wendy the Waitress, you're going to kill the bar. :
Bar killer. :
Don't kill the bar, dude. :
Yeah, well, I think it'll be ok. :
[Back at 2006] And it was a huge mistake. :
Yeah, well, I think it'll be ok. :
[Back at 2007] And it was a huge mistake. :
Yeah, well, I think it'll be ok. :
[Present day] And it was a huge mistake. :
Yeah, well, I think it'll be ok.
So, you wanna do something later? :
Oh, so you're talking to me now? :
What are you talking about? :
I'm talking about last night, you said you'd call and you didn't. I missed you and I waited up but you didn't call. That really hurt. :
Oh, I-I'm sorry. I guess I just forgot. :
I'm sorry sweetie. I don't wanna fight tonight. It's our first weeky-versary.
[Ted and Robin talk about his confrontational skills, or lack thereof] I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, "Never give up. Never surrender." :
That's Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest!
You know what Robin? Been thinking about it, guess it's kind of nice you're such a badass. :
It's pretty badass you're so nice Ted.
Come on Robin, it's my penis we're talking about! You've seen her, she's magnificent! :
Every penis is a girl Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships... and lake monsters.
Sometimes in life you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself. :
You called her a whore! :
Who wears that much make up? :
Old ladies! :
Robin: Who take money for sex, exactly!
Marshall: Come on lay some of that classic Scherbatsky mean son of a bitch on me. Treat me like I'm a girl scout trying to sell you cookies! :
Four dollars a box and you're out of thin mints? You green little... I don't do that!
[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]
[to Marshall and Lily] :
Are you kidding me? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now.
[couple still look at him] :
I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO! :
[after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble... :
And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list. :
I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark! :
[shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-covered suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas!
[Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin] :
So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski... :
[Interupting] And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo.
[takes out coin] :
So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News.
[flips coin into Robin's face] :
Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!
Robin have you forgotten your new year's resolution? :
I am never going to drink again... :
No before that. :
I am going to finish this entire bottle tonight. :
No before that.
The first Currency rotation Specialist went on to be a semifinalist on The Bachelor and then she lost like a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser and now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.
You know, that was pretty cool, what you did. When we all needed it, you got us back on the right path. :
It's what I do. :
Ted, if I... if I ever get married, and you're not the guy I marry... :
Big mistake, but go on. :
I could really use someone like you. You know, in case I freak out... when I freak out. You interested? :
Are you asking what I think you're asking? :
Ted, will you be my best man? :
Scherbatsky, I'm gonna crush it.
[fist bumps Robin]
[Robin's recent relationship with an Argentinean named Gael and her switch to more natural habits after her trip are being discussed by the characters at the bar] :
Please... vacation romances have an expiration date. Gael's got a 'best if banged by' sticker on him. Once your romance starts to stink, you'll dump his ass down the drain like sour milk, and go back to being "unevolved Robin", the one we actually like. Back me up here, Ted. :
I'm just happy Robin's happy. :
I'm telling you: Within three days...
[Gael approaches] :
Oh, here he comes - switch to big words. :
Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association. :
My journey was transformative, and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour, and the philosophies he espouses. :
What are we talking of? Baseball? :
This is all going to return to masticate you in the gluteals. Support my hypothesis, Ted. :
I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.
Robin: Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-
[everyone cheers, interrupting Robin] :
[shouting] AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE TO A MINIMUM! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.
I've just realized something. :
[as "Vacation Robin"] That you've lost your ways? :
No. That you really suck. You're boring and lame, and you're getting sand everywhere! Seriously, where is all the sand coming from?
Well, I have to have a job. :
"I have to have a job" It's so American. :
I'm Canadian. You know that.
[Discussing Zoey's invitation to bake cookies with Ted, the gang says it's a booty call] :
That's crazy, she - she wants to bake... :
Guys booty call girls after 2am with a drunkenly slurred "Whatcha doin'?", but when a lady booty calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck, real good. It's called class, Ted.
Loneliness... the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching... the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day. :
That's not a thing :
It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years.
[Visualizes Roman-era wedding] :
Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death. :
That's actually true. :
Wait. There's more. :
This won't be. :
And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks exactly like Robin] :
[as St. Desperatius] Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X. :
[as St. Valentine] Player! Play on! High V.
[high-fives] :
[as Roman woman] Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried. :
[as St. Desperatius, to Robin] And I thought Pompeii was smoking.
Desperation Day had come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.
Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a 10 has the self esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2. Now, there's only one thing you can't do. :
Please say "widows." :
Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day. :
Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day.Which we do not. Case in point: I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work... :
[Interrupts] Tr}