Alternate Answer: Because Black People Inherently Scare Sheltered White Douchebags Regardless of What They Do
Remember when guys like this were the parody of Wall Street?
Maureen Farrell, CNN Money Money Money!:
The post-election meltdown among wingnuts has been something to behold. Post after post of various true believers angrily trying to handle living in a world where they are so hated that not even cheating hardcore could save them. There’s a wealth of material there.
And frankly, Tintin has been fantastic harvesting a bunch of it. Heck, you all have been doing a fantastic job harvesting the many different flavors of juvenile temper tantrum.
And while there’s material galore there, believe me, and I could do entire posts over moments like this:
I mean, fuck, there’s so much to say about Fox News apologetically and sadly having to have their Stepford Bot wander down the halls because their con-dealer has been sampling the product and believed the bullshit meant for the rubes. From the willful disbelief in reality as it happens before them to the unfortunate moment where Fox News realizes they can’t get away with saying Romney won and is president now. It’s literally taking every ounce of my willpower to stop myself going on a 12000 word rant about that replete with elaborate new dick jokes.
But I leave all that behind and wish to rewind time a little to something published quietly and meekly on the night of the election.
Because what it covers is something we are guaranteed to hear nothing about in the coming months now that Barack Obama has won himself a second term.
Let me cut the innuendo and cut right to the turgid chorizo* of the matter:
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
Rich people to Obama: “We tried to destroy you because we didn’t feel you showed the balls enough love during our non-consensual face-fuck on you and the rest of America”
You may think this is being harsh to the collection of rich old fucks who sank away half their fortunes in the desperate effort to do away with enough of the democratic process to install a known sociopath as their meat puppet.
I assure you I haven’t yet begun to get “harsh”.
Wall Street’s biggest gripe with President Obama is more about what he’s said than what he’s done.
See, it isn’t really about what he’s done, per se, seeing as how he let us get away with Grand Theft Planet with little more than a disappointed sigh and an urge to do a better job hiding the bodies next time.
But see, he didn’t worship these parasitic drains on our nation as the Lords and Masters of the Universe they imagine themselves to be, despite all they did to try and back him up, like bankrolling endless ads and surrogates to snipe every idea he ever tried to pass to fix the damage they created, trying to urge various lone wolf gunmen to get angry enough to take a shot at him, his wife, or his kids, and trying to straight up buy themselves the presidency in such a naked manner, they might as well have been teabagging him (and how).
And that’s like totally worse than the worst thing that has ever happened to them (the one time they ran over a Puerto Rican woman and the diseased sow had the temerity to bleed all over their brand new Mercedes).
“There’s been so much finger pointing. He’s made it seem bad to be successful and to be millionaires and billionaires,” said Karl Wellner, CEO of Papamarkou Wellner Asset Management, a fund with $3 billion under management.
Because it is.
It’s very bad to be “successful” “millionaires and billionaires”. You can be the most successful mafia don on the East Coast and it doesn’t change the fact that how you became “successful” was very very wrong indeed. You broke the planet’s economy and then followed it up by grinding your bootheel in the face of the 99% and asking for their pocket change.
If we all negotiated consent before hand, I’m sure there would have been at least 27% into that sort of thing, but in the real world, the only reason your heads weren’t repurposed and recycled as gate spike decorations was our willingness to let Barack Obama and his group of “meanie-heads” try and fix a few things first.
If you still haven’t got that 4 years later (especially after 4 years of you acting like cartoon villains fresh off the set of Wacky Races), then frankly bub, you’re damn lucky you lost this election.
But hey, why worry about all that, when these delicate wilting flowers can’t even bother to recall any actual instances of Barack X Guevara calling them out on their bullshit.
Outside of Obama calling bankers “fat cats,” most Wall Street professionals point to few specifics and basically say it’s more of a vibe they get from the president.
It’s not so much anything he’s done. And it’s not really anything he’s said. It’s more that we’re scared he might think about one day thinking about almost saying something and that he sometimes looks at us in something other than complete adulation. And frankly to get right down to it, sometimes we feel teeth and that just doesn’t make us feel like our sub respects us as his worshipful master.
Some may say this is because he and the American people didn’t consent to any scene play with our wrinkled ass albino dicks, but that’s just silly. They were born poor, therefore they are our consenting subs. That’s just how it works. And if more people realized that, maybe we wouldn’t have to pay our deluded true believers to rant about repealing the 15th and 19th Amendments just to be vaguely competitive in one more election.
Wellner, who emigrated from Sweden in the early 1980s, says his biggest concern is that the president appears to want to clamp down on the accumulation of wealth. It’s a sentiment echoed by many other top hedge fund managers and executives at financial firms.
Well, if you don’t like a President thinking about maybe one day slightly limiting the rate at which you can steal the entire GDP just so you can tell your frat buddies that you earned money slightly faster than them, maybe you should return back to Sweden, where-
What’s that? You don’t mind Barack Obama so much anymore? But are you sure that him thinking about maybe almost doing something to fix the glaring issues that-
No?!? You’re sure? All right.
“There’s the idea that if you’re successful you didn’t do that on your own,” said Sander Gerber, CEO of hedge fund Hudson Bay Capital Management. “Romney believes that individuals’ drive and willingness to work hard is what makes them successful.” And that’s a theme that resonates on Wall Street.
Obama recognizes that we are not actually better than regular people because we inherited a bunch of money and use it to steal money as professional gambling addicts and company raiders. The Smiler understands that soulless predators who casually destroy and impede actual human endeavor and progress are Legendary Super Men who own whatever they touch by virtue of having lots and lots of money.
People want to fuck without us personally approving? Ha ha, not with our money, which is the same as everyone’s money.
What’s that? The Smiler lost in a crushing display and all our hand-picked Senate candidates burned up like old-school vampires in the sunlight?
Ah, well, er… Obama’s BEING A POOPYHEAD BY NOT LOSING LIKE HE SHOULD!
And it’s also a big reason why Wall Street has given the majority of its contributions to the Republican party during this election cycle.
In fact, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has received more than three times what Obama has generated from Wall Street professionals, according to the Center for Responsive Politics. That’s a sharp turnaround from 2008, when Obama generated nearly double the Wall Street contributions of his then rival John McCain.
Expect to hear not one damn peep about this ever again and lots and lots of rich assholes trying to take credit for electing Obama and demanding that Obama give them something back as a show of good faith.
After all, consequences are for people who don’t casually own news networks and entire think tanks full of hacks to muddy the waters for you.
See also the various “experts” warning of a “fiscal cliff” and urging the president to “reach across the aisle” after such a “narrow and bitterly contested fight”.
Beyond the rhetoric, several hedge fund managers also say that while health care and financial regulation were in need of reform, the president tackled them in a manner that put the government too deeply in the middle of both industries.
Yes, it is odd how criminal organizations don’t often like Police being too close to their businesses either.
For much the same exact reason.
Congress passed the Dodd-Frank Act on financial reform in 2010, but many of the rules still need to be written.
Romney has criticized the law and said he would take steps to change it, and even attempt to dismantle it. Yet, many on Wall Street are simply betting that Romney would appoint regulators who would make financial reform less onerous.
“Obama would give carte blanche to heavy-handed regulators and just say go for it,” said Wellner.
Oh no, regulation. Why then, companies that actually focus on making good products and serving their customers well will be financially rewarded. And companies just focused on scamming their customers, racing to the bottom with industry-threatening cuts to labor, safety, and quality control would be financially punished.
Like in a real way, rather than we lost an hour’s profit just because we killed 50 people and poisoned a couple million more.
Cause really, after we very nearly destroyed Western Capitalism by trying to run a short con indefinitely, what could be better than a complete lack of regulation?
All the lead-lined children’s toys, Salmonella-filled peanut butter, and completely destroyed Gulf ecosystem is such a small price to pay for saving almost entire pennies on overhead!
But hey, it’s not like the victims who suffer on the bottom really exist in the traditional sense…
Wall Street’s ire comes as many still criticize the president for not pushing back on Wall Street enough and see Dodd-Frank as largely toothless.
“There’s the idea that he wasn’t willing to hold Wall Street over a barrel when he had them over a barrel,” said Jeff Connaughton, former chief of staff to Democratic Sen. Ted Kaufman and the author of “The Payoff: Why Wall Street Always Wins.”
Ah. Yes. I see. Hmm, yeah, there is still that creepily patient simmering resentment among the 99% which is only barely being soothed by The President occasionally glancing our way and politely requesting we stop publicly making homeless people barbeques.
Meanwhile, Obama’s rival has made it clear that he is in favor of regulating banks. Romney’s main objection to Dodd-Frank is that it gives big banks the implicit guarantee of further bailouts. Wall Street executives seem to believe Romney would treat the industry in a more fair and balanced manner.
“Romney looks at things more analytically,” said Wellner. “He’s more of a consensus builder. The president is dogmatic, it’s his way or no way.”
It turns out that you really can underestimate the intelligence of the American people.
Well, isn’t that an unfortunate thing to find out as we finish blowing you all the raspberry over your silly little “democracy thing”? I don’t suppose you’d all be willing to believe in austerity measures or corporate ownership of employees still?
Well… fuck. Time to engage Operation Nuke the Bridge Behind Us.**
While Romney’s experience at private equity firm Bain Capital has caused the broader American public to question whether he has their best interests at heart, many on Wall Street see Romney’s business background as a big plus.
“Romney is a consultant and looks at what is efficient, so he’ll be reasonable,” said Wellner. “He understands how business works so he’ll put the rules and guidelines in place that make business work right.”
I’d make some snark about how they’re on their way to making business into as much of a swear word as “Family” or “Traditional”, but well…
This is actually kind of importantly honest. The Smiler’s campaign of genocide against otherwise healthy companies so he could rob them of their wealth and use it to enrich himself and his cronies really is what many of these Wall Street fucks mean when they talk about “businesses”.
When they talk about business interests, we often assume they must be speaking the same language as the rest of us. That they must be talking about workplaces that create products that they hope to sell to customers to make a profit off the exchange. That even if the notion of “customer” is a bit vague or things like hedge funds get included in the list, that at the end of the day, they still agree on what is a “business”.
And they really don’t. All those idiot saps who make shit are the suckers on the bottom of the rat pile with all the 99%ers and the trash. To the “Titans of Industry” and their various mouthpieces, “businesses” are the Casino players, the Parasitical firms, and the high-stakes thieves. Being a good businessman literally means to these people the same thing as being a good Bond villain. They couldn’t be more obvious if they were actually buying up Island Fortresses to live on, and oh .
And despite all the bullshit that’s going to be thrown at us on how anyone with melanin shouldn’t be allowed to vote or why women need to be kept in perfume boxes until they are breeding age, we need to keep this in mind and hold these bastards responsible.
Because if we let them get away with nearly tanking our democracy the same way they got away with nearly tanking the global economy, then they are going to keep coming back with the same shit again and again.
The rich fucks of America aren’t separate from the freakshow. They are the freakshow and as Karl Rove demonstrated above, there really aren’t any Republican-supporters left of any income-bracket who hasn’t been caught sampling the product.
*Must… stop… Rove… rant…
**Yeah, we’re going to receive a whole river of shit from the House in the next 2 years and get ready for a stupendous amount of absolute stalemate and delay as the Republicans continue to throw a temper tantrum on women and brown people being allowed to vote in “Their Elections” in “Their America”.
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Contents[]
Hello, Silly Angel, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your . I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, my name is , and I'll be your guide through the mystical land of Uncyclopedia. We'll begin the tour with a few helpful links for noobies:
- A massive guide about how to be the best you can be at Uncyclopedia. I've honestly never read the whole thing in one sitting myself, but it is very useful if you're looking for help on a specific issue.
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the metaphorical stage that is Uncyclopedia. I STRONGLY suggest reading the entire thing through, perhaps more than once.
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Now that that's out of the way, take a look to your right, and you'll notice some more links, these ones are about help in general:
- if you need help with a specific issue
- This is a longer version of this message, meant for giving you a more in-depth look at contributing.
At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but I do recommend it, it can be quite enjoyable, and it's a good chance to let others take notice of your writing. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, ) so you can edit it at your leisure.
If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{}} - onto it as well.
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask me on , and also check out the . Additionally, the Uncyclopedian
is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. , and leave them a message on their talk page. I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian, and remember: Have fun with it. We are a humor wiki, so don't worry about taking things too seriously. We're here to have a good time and to have a good laugh. Please
on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box.
This will automatically produce your name and the date. Once more, thank you for your contributions and welcome! I'll be seeing you around.
- 15:36, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
What exactly are you trying to create? It looks like you're dumping random stuff from Wikipedia. ~ 11:21, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
Nah I was just experamenting with the template stuffs...
14:26, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
Try to do it either in your own space on on the . Also, please fix your sig and as soon as possible. Thanks. ~ 14:37, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
I've created a
for you. You need to go to your preferences and under signature place the following: {{SUBST:nosubst|user:Silly Angel/sig}}. After that tick the "use custom signature box". Save the changes, and from now on everytime you click the signature button on the edit bar or print ~~~~ your sig will be placed on the page without all the code. Also, you can respond here. It is customary to respond where the conversation started so you don't brake it. ~ 15:02, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
Thank you very much. And I guess we both started separate conversations on each other's talk page.- - -
19:08, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
May 14th, 2009 • Issue 47 • And you will know our name is the UnSignpost when we lay our news upon you!
It's the big one folks, the interview they all wanted, but we got: shy, retiring Wikimedia mogul
has spoken exclusively to your UnSignpost. Wales (pictured right in happier times) took time out from his busy schedule of inserting further
to share with us his thoughts on the credit crunch, the
administration, the 's visit to the , and the future of , and the insight is literally devastating in its incisiveness.
When pressed on these vital issues, Jimbo confided to us: "You kids get offa my pipe! Now, where's my lawn?" These are words that every user will interpret in their own special way - Jimbo, like all great orators, has the ability to make
that each and every listener will put their own unique spin on, so that it seems he is talking to them alone. Whatever pearl of wisdom you find in this oracular utterance, we are sure it is exactly what you were intended to find.
Crowning Acheevement
UnSignpost co-editor,
lynchpin and all-round star user
has made Uncyclopedian history by becoming the first user ever to win all of the major monthly awards on the wiki: , , , , and . Plus , although that's not really considered "major". This astonishing fact was pointed out by , proving quite conclusively that he must have no life whatsoever. When asked for comment, Gerry exclusively told us: "Well, I don't know what to say, really. I suppose my well-roundedness speaks volumes about my excessive amount of free time. My next objective will be to obtain a microphone and continue my quixotic quest to collect all of the awards".
Rules & Funny: The Essay
Loveable Uncyc pyromaniac , long known for his views on how "rules" and "funny" should relate to each other, has, in an alcohol-induced "moment of clarity", composed . He encourages you to read it, and exclusively told us he questions the sexuality of everyone who doesn't. As a completely neutral wiki newspaper, the UnSignpost of course neither endorses nor doesn't endorse any of the views contained within the essay. It just agrees with some of them.
Is it a Usergroup if there are no Users Grouped in it?
It has been about a year and a half since 's once shining usergroup network stopped operating and became extinct. As ever in such circumstances, conspiracy theories have quickly sprung up to explain how this could have happened. Some say that when
left Uncyclopedia to focus on another project, he left it to the
staff to do all the patrolling, which caused Uncyclopedia's domain name to be changed in October 2008, and the user groups were left to rot with no activity, like the Hittites did when they destroyed their own city and left. Others say that
killed off every other usergroup, from the
to , and had a monopoly on the usergroups. Whether the theories are true or not, the usergroups appear to have all but died.
In January 2009,
dug through the ruins of the usergroups and found compelling evidence that there is still a small amount of activity in the UNSOC group, whose interim leader
was heard to observe "UNSOC has about 3 or so ac we just keep that gigantic list to inflate our numbers".
The non-existent
have not made any comment about this being a dastardly plan of theirs to ensure the "golden Age" of Uncyclopedia
remains sacrosanct. Because they don't exist, obviously.
Check out these pages!
From our logs:
18:42, 27 April 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ?(Zeus called. He wants his title back. Something about missing having an excuse for incest.)
21:58, 13 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ?(seek the definition of life in the dictionary. Hint: it does not include so called venegance against humor wikis. Also, seek the definition of vengance. Creating wiki pages does not constitue as such.)
12:49, 14 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ? (don't blank pages, it's proof you have even less of a life than we do.)
Biopic of the Week
may possibly have the most annoying username to have to copy and paste into a Signpost biopic in all of Uncyclopedia. A mainstay in such helpful roles as VFD, Colin's accomplishments include contributions to the famed
colonization, having explosions in his sig that look rather cool when he signs a bunch of times in a row, and setting the record for most electrons used in a userpage and corresponding talk page. Go Colin!
Cajek Sighting of the Week
Co-founder of the UnSignpost
was sighted this week in an alley behind his userpage, taking out the trash. He also updated his ban counter to a robust 117 and added electricity and
to the iron fences surrounding the Cajek Mansion. Look for an exclusive fake interview with Cajek in next week's UnSignpost!
Desperate Attention Seeker of the Week
00:55, 8 May 2009
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00:55, 8 May 2009
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00:56, 8 May 2009
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00:56, 8 May 2009
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00:56, 8 May 2009
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00:56, 8 May 2009
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(There were more. We got bored copy/pasting them. )
Hand-delivered by —
19:57, 15 May 2009 (UTC)
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
May 21st, 2009 • Issue 48 • I've seen news you... people wouldn't believe
Something known as a "" apparently made some sort of return recently. According to , he updated his ban counter, wrote a few articles, got some of his old articles deleted, did some nominating and voting stuff at , and made several comments on user talk pages. This, seemingly, is about what he used to do, although few of our readers are old enough to remember his previous contributions to .
exclusively told us the following: "Gotta go bye see ya".
People disappearing, people reappearing, people with little time on their hands, bots unavailable
What happened to users like , ,
and ? Were they run over by a train? Did they suffer from a heart attack? Are they running from the law? Or are we just getting too worked up after a couple of weeks' absence? Whatever be the case, we here at the UnSignpost hope they are all right and will be returning to us in the near future. More recently, it has come to our notice that ,
have been missing for at least a couple of days. Perhaps there is a serial killer stalking and brutally murdering bright Uncyc talents? (Are we getting good at this whole "wild press speculation and fear-mongering" thing yet or what?)
In the mean time, fortunately, several other users have made glorious returns to Uncyclopedia. As documented elsewhere, a
is apparently back and doing stuff.
has been doing some things around places, mostly the forums.
has been spotted at
and a few talkpages.
has been sporadically active. And
has been doing more stuff recently than he was doing less recently.
A lot of users seem to be unable to contribute as their work/school requires them to spend their time on "useful" things. The more young adult users/little kids seem to be struggling with certain "finals", like
for instance.
appears to be working on his graduation. Statistics show that 's activity has been rather low, but recently increased . For how long this trend will continue is uncertain.
has been here intermittently, but keeps proclaiming himself to be "busy". He commented "I don't have time. In fact, I may not even have time for banning and deleting today, things are going fucking nuts! [...] I have teetering mounds of work, and nowhere near enough time! Arrrrrgh! (I almost feel a second exclamation mark coming on, but nothing's that bad...)" He then proved himself to be a big fat liar by editing this story and various other bits of the UnSignpost.
Additionally, while
is being overrun by bots, they seem to have gone completely extinct on . This has led to our beloved
becoming partly mechanized in order to fill the role of paperbot. However, he is currently planning to get
operational so he won't have to tire his arse off every week.
Porn! Porn! Pr0n!
There has been
as of lately about the existence of
on . Some support the view "Only if it's funny.", while others say "" The controversy led
to put all his gay porn on QVFD.
was quoted saying "I don't know what the fuss is all about, there's no porn on Uncyclopedia!" The discussion seems to have concluded in something like "If it's really bothering you and isn't funny in any way, delete it!"
might also want to add that pictures showing prominent nudity could give rise to some legal issues, though he wasn't actually available for comment, so we can't really be sure.
Usergroups! Usergroups! Usergroups!
War is raging in usergroup land. , suffering major losses, has been grinded to a halt and was forced into defensive strategy, regressing to trench warfare. But , with masses of new recruits, has declared an all out war against any potential competition.
Meanwhile, a new powerful group has arisen, , and they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with. The
has gone into hiding and remains a mystery to most Uncyclopedians.
"The End" is being foretold once more
Since this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make it to the press, it was inevitable that there would be foretellings of "The End" and it being "near". On ,
was found stating "we could all die [...] then how stupid would we look?" A lot of users made somewhat eccentric speculations on how several issues were related to this "impending doom".
posted the following "articles" in response to .
Porn and the impending doom
As we all know, the impending doom to all good things is caused by porn. This vile practice of drawing pictures of naked women has spread so wide among our young men that it is almost impossible to get them to do anything else.
User groups and the impending doom
No wai, the impending doom is caused by user groups!
Impending doom and porn
The usergroups are coming, and with them...impending doom!
Treasure these last few mumble with your porn for the end is nigh!
First person article about porn and impending doom
I was in a usergroup, watching porn. Suddenly I understood watching porn in a usergroup would do nothing against the impending doom. I got rather stuck, and forgot the reason. Later, I forgot about the impending doom as well. That's what watching porn in a usergroup will do to you. Suddenly I understood: if you are the first person in a usergroup, nobody can make you watch porn.
if you are in a usergroup and someone tries to make you watch some porn, avert your eyes!
if you see porn, remember that the doom is impending.
The perfect solution to problems with porn, usergroups, and the impending doom
Form your own usergroup and make others watch porn!
Check out these pages!
From our logs MOTHERFUCKING NIGGER LOVER SPECIAL:
21:34, 14 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) ? (Why is the fucking nigger vandal back? I figured he would have killed himself by now, the little waste of sperm......)
01:38, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ? (Anybody else here a nigger faggot? Oh, wait, we all probably are. *goes back to eating his god damn fried chicken w/ Colt 45 on the side*)
05:49, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ? (Fucking one trick pony. And stop accusing all of us of being black, you worthless little prick. You do realise how gay that makes you sound when you tell us to suck your dick, right?)
05:55, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ? (Oh, you're a clever little cookie, aren't you? I can't WAIT for you to do this me. Too bad I might not be up at the time...oh well.)
06:08, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ? (Oh, fuck it, I want to see what this little mongoloid can come up with instead, if anything. But seriously folks, in all seriousness, I'm as black as they get. A friend of mine told me this once.)
18:09, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [edit=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) [move=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) ? (Yeah, Bill Cosby pounded me up my gay nigger ass last night. It was HOTT.)
20:27, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ? (Please end your life right now. Go take one od your father's guns, load it, put it in your mouth, and pull the trigger.)
20:30, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) huffed "" ? (Oh God, first the nigger vandal returns, and then you're ugly ass shows up again to "torment" us with your worthless crap. You need to kill yourself as well.)
20:31, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) huffed "" ? (No, really. Tie a noose, put it around your head, hang yourself. Simple.)
20:32, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ? (Yeah, yeah, we know already, you little crybaby. What did we ever do to you? Oh, wait, all you can do is cry and moan and make pages with periods and then blank them. Speech is beyond you, I guess.)
20:33, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ? (And I've never been more serious about this whole suicide thing. I've been reluctant to tell you people to do so in the past, but I really don't care anymore. It's not like you're really going to do it. I'm sure you're having a blast doing this every day.)
20:37, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) huffed "" ? (I'm sure you're not as much of a lower life form as I think you are. You just love doing this, knowing how much it irritates us. Me especially, as I'm the only one willing to type out messages this long in response.)
20:40, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) huffed "" ? (I wonder what else you'll come up with. Are you just going to keep adding exclamation points? You must be one of the angriest people on the planet or something. You're worse than Idi Amin and God combined.)
20:40, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) huffed "" ? (And I'm sure shit like this has been done before. Originality certainly is dead. I mean, can you get any lamer?)
20:42, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) huffed "" ? (But really now, what if nobody deleted this shit? What if we let you and the nigger vandal just do what you always do? Would you assimilate the website so it's all the same shit? OH! What if you two got into a conflict?! That would be comedy bronze!)
20:43, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) huffed "" ? (God, just imagine you two going at it, two little twats who think they're the rebellious type going at it, with.....with......oh man....)
20:50, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ? (Yes it does. You're a real rebel aren't you? I bet you've murdered many blacks before and beaten up various others. I am TERRIFIED of you.)
20:51, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) ? (You're talking about how we're nigger faggots like it's a bad thing. Well, if you keep talking about putting your dick in my mouth, that clearly makes you gay. Don't try to tell me you like women. You haven't said anything to prove this.)
22:19, 16 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) ? (Oh, so it's a domination thing, right? You can't possibly be gay since you're making me suck your cock, but I'm the one enjoying it since I'm a gay nigger, which is the type of person you hate. Right, okay, but do you like women? Y'know, with the vaginer?)
15:50, 17 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ? (Your mother is a nigger. You are what you hate.)
17:43, 17 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ? (TYLER LIONS!!! YOU KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!!!!! AND MORDILLO IS A JEW, MY NIGGER!!!!!!!)
17:50, 17 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) ? (Tyler Lions? Never heard a more niggerish name then that! Let's lynch 'em!!!!!!)
20:27, 17 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) ? (Well, you're finally listening to me! But Hitler's been long dead! How the fuck is he going to take out Mordildo? Don't talk for my nigguh hitler, man.)
15:42, 18 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) protected "" [edit=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) ? (Yo nigga, imma gonna break free from deese chains and fill yo cracka ass up wit mah dick, honkey bitch)
Biopic of the Week
is the token black admin. Known for his rampant homosexuality and love of sucking the cocks of racist vandals, he's forever spoiling the fun of innocent, hardworking vandals by deleting their masterpieces about their friends, and then adds insult to injury by banning them with excitable and lengthy comments. . He'll probably get lynched by the
before too long.
Cajek Notice of the Week
He was banned a couple times. No, seriously.
Brought to you by —
23:42, 21 May 2009 (UTC)
How are you getting on? not seen you in a few days, thought you'd got bored of us.
15:52 25 May 2009
Ive been on Mordillo's page... I just cant think of a good NOTM idea that I can write in 10 days. Have any ideas? - - -
16:35, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
If you want to write a new article, like I did when I won NotM, just think of an idea (that hasn't been done yet), locate the comedic value, perhaps by a variety of perspectives and techniques regarding the subject and then expand on the content with proper organisation and consistency. Go team! ---kun "whisper
into thine ear..." 17:35, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
What he said.
17:36 25 May 2009
Oh can I ask you a favour? Would you have a look at and vote on , please?
23:54 25 May 2009
Done! Great Job.- - -
23:57, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
Now check out the top of this page and take a look at my Nom - - -
00:00, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
I shall indeed, thanks for the vote!
00:01 26 May 2009
...award you 1 Point for fixing all those redlinked articles.
Keep it up, and you'll be looking at more. —
02:23, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
Go right ahead and make another portal, or several if you like. Copy
into your userpage, turn it into something else (People, Politics, any of those 8 you see top right on front page), rename as Portal:&Insert portal name& and move to main page. I have sort of called Art, Mnbvcxz has Games, but others are up for grabs. You might want to talk to , he is interested in running a portal. Just so you don't start with the same one(s). Also I'll make another topic in Village Dump and mention what's being done. --  
05:24, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
will be the spot to discuss things is my suggestion. --  
05:39, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
Of course you can pick any other category as well, but those 8 will be promoted first since Wikipedia is organised the same way. --  
05:51, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
Do you have ideas for the portal logo? Maybe something with different political images fucked up - like that Slovenian band does, the name of which I always forget. Do you have a scanner? Draw a picture, and scan or take a photo of it and post it on your talk page. I, or someone else, could then make the final edition, or at least get further ideas from it. --  
12:00, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
I was thinking of something like a potato with a judges wig on it... or a potato behind a podium... basically anything that has to do with law/politics. - - -
14:54, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
Suggestion you might want to try on the Politics intro: it has a lot of good stuff but partly it looks too straightforward to me now. What if you said all you say but in a disgustingly glib way, like you were all the time trying to sell your current point, flip-flopping a couple of sentences later? That would look fairly political. This is just an idea. Note that I made Science intro simply by swiping it off Wikipedia and twisting it a bit. --  
19:36, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
The image: don't worry over it too much. Once someone gets a real good idea (at least I have it simmering) it's fairly easy to edit proper. Those things often just snap into place by themselves. --  
19:40, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
...you a point for fixing the redlinked articles, and I'll give you five more once the Politics Portal is finished. —
22:52, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
Sweet thanks, and im planning to do some more portals so thats good news. - - -
22:54, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
have to thank you all again
Because you voted for my page about my
to get featured on the front page of the internet and that’s really awesome because Mummy got me a new toy! Although she did tell me never to pee in the sandpit again.
08:41 27 May 2009
Hi Silly Angel - just a quickie: if you plan to do a rewrite, copy the source of the page into your userspace as a new page (like I've just done for you). Don't move the page. This way, you get a copy to play with to your heart's content, but the original article is still there in mainspace.
When it's finished, get a , and if the reviewer agrees it's a significant improvement, have a word with me about moving your article over the top of the old one. Good luck! -- -
10:11, May 27
Just a quick drive-by since I brought this up with Mordildoes last night.
Removing articles from mainspace is technically only allowed if you're an admin.
This particular article (I assume we're still talking about HowTo:Fly a Plane?) isn't much of an article in it's current state which I presume is why 'dillo let it go this time, but in the future keep in mind that it's a no-no.
Don't take any of this as a scolding or anything, just wanted to let you know.
Keep up the good work. -
14:48, 27 May
Current Talkpage |
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
May 28th, 2009 • Issue 49 • The kind of news your momma warned you about
, a select group of
volunteers has been slaving away at the wiki-coalface, dedicating themselves to the selfless task of bringing Uncyclopedia a dedicated selection of portal pages. And now their tireless efforts are starting to bear fruit, with the first few being linked on the
by noted twirly star of David, . He proudly flagged them up as "new!", until , more accurately understanding the
of the average , flagged then as "!" instead.
What, some of you may ask, are portal pages? Well, rather than have us explain it laboriously for you (because that sounds like, you know, effort), why not take a look at the following highly
portals: ; ; ;
and . And with more to come including the intriguing concept of a Quaint portal from , one thing's for sure: there has recently been an increase in the number of portals on Uncyclopedia. What?
Nile and Nile related articles invade Uncyclopedia!
Actually, Nile and Nile related articles are
- we merely wanted to say that to see if you, the reader, were gullible enough to believe it. And you were. More like, " hoax!" Let's find out what , professor of Egyptian history and archaeology at Oxford university exclusively had to say about this: "It is a lie. And Ra saw it was no good. And the band is with me. And they hath uttered not a word about invading Uncyclopedia. Verily! Ra hacketh off the phallus of he who lieth". See now? Undeniable proof from
that the band is chilling with him and .
We also asked the wealthy Egyptian and Babylonian antique collector
to comment and he exclusively replied: "Nile doesn't have any power.
Now the Tigris-Euphrates, that's a different story". Not only does this tell us that the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists are cooler than
conspiracists, but that
could not invade Uncyclopedia even if they wanted to, and you should be afraid of the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists - very afraid.
To sum it up, there is no Nile and Nile related articles invasion of Uncyclopedia, just as there is no .
Check out these pages!
From our logs:
19:47, 25 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ? (Yep, you're really trying, I see. Great, keep the laughs coming, Mr. Funny Man.)
09:37, 25 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ? (You meant "make love to me, she dog")
20:43, 24 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ? (Vandalizing articles, smearing dog shit all over Todd Lyons's car, etc.)
10:48, 23 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ? (don't blank, I'm running out of insulting ban reasons.)
Biopic of the Week
has been on Uncyclopedia forever. No, seriously, he started editing in 2005 - and he's still here! He cut his article writing teeth on , and went on to write a further 98 of the buggers, while nailing his first feature with , which started a run of 18.5 front page appearances up to the recent . He's been an admin longer than most of our readership have been users. Put together. And he still has all his own teeth, he tells us!
Blatant Filler of the Week
This box here, which is blatant padding so the formatting of this issue looks about right.
ban of the Week
22:16, 26 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ? (Unacceptable username: ...too few recent bans for my liking....)
The only newspaper to be delivered by
20:14, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
Hi Silly Angel, quick tip for you: when listing the left-behind redirects following page moves on QVFD, make sure you use the {{}} template in this format: {{redirect|Page name here}}. That way, it makes it easier for the admins to delete it without accidentally deleting the page it redirects to, which we are otherwise prone to do. Have a look at the ones Rabbi Techno just listed to see what I mean. Ta! -- -
11:05, May 29
Ah, si, I will keep that in mind.- - -
11:06, 29 May 2009 (UTC)
Also, you don't have to create the pages and move them under the portal, you can just create them in that name to begin with. ~ 11:44, 29 May 2009 (UTC)
Yes master - - -
11:46, 29 May 2009 (UTC)
..., you can't just give yourself Points in Der Unwehr, especially if I have no idea what the fuck you're rewarding yourself for.
By my count, you have 16 Points--really only 11, since the People Portal isn't even up-and-running yet, but I'll give you those anyway.
Where the fuck are you getting 28 from?
From now on, message me on
if you think you've done something worthy of a Point reward, and I'll reward you accordingly.
I'm taking you back to 16 Points and changing your rank according until you message me and let me know just what the hell warrants another 12 Points. —
04:57, 1 June 2009 (UTC)
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
June 4th, 2009 • Issue 50 • I love the smell of news in the morning!
Uncyclopedia's long-cherished status as the
was given a massive fillip this week with the discovery that genial admin
has his own
. This considerable accomplishment has to be considered among the highest praise ever bestowed on an admin of this wiki. Kosher kvetcher
even opined that it makes him the #1 admin on the wiki, as "even Mhaille doesn't have a hate group!"
Lyons himself was deeply touched by the tribute, exclusively telling the USP: "I'm a bit surprised (though not touched, like the
nomination this month), because I generally shy away from the snappy/nasty ban summaries that would guarantee me a spot in the UnSignpost. Really,
is my #1 pick for this, and richly deserves to have a
(if not several dozen by now). :) Second, if I had any insecurities that I'd lost my touch with the
hammer after being , they're gone. The arm's feeling great. The surgery seems to have been a 100% success. I'm feeling good that I'll be able to finish out the
and hopefully garner some interest as a bureaucrat when I become a free agent this ."
The group's creator was unavailable for comment, probably due to being banned.
Comings and Goings
As you may or may not have noticed, there recently seems to be a flurry of returns and hiatuses (hiati?) on this silly wiki that some of us like to call Uncyclopedia. This could be due to a number of things: the end of the school year and thus the end of the summer season causing new and strange emotions in int the revolving door recently installed at the Uncyclopedia headquarters. Regardless of the reason, those returning have been 'welcomed', and those leaving have been warned that their userpages will be
should their vacation extend overly long.
Popular aquatic creature user
claims . His contributions since returning have thus far been limited to announcing his return in the forum (as required by Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435), but the Unsignpost is confident of a return laced with quality
and other, less pungent useful contributions.
The elusive , a mythical creature once thought to exist only in the surreal dreams of squirrels, has returned gloriously upon the back of a giant squirrel. So at least some part of the myth was true. Take that, science! Other returns include
after a brief hiatus and , who evaded a years-long block to announce his return in the forums (UB435 again). Perhaps the most noted of all, faithful new dog
returns from a one-month hiatus to appear in this story.
Other users have seen a decline or all-out drop-off in their contribution level.
remains on an indefinite hiatus.
has seen his number of edits dwindle as of late.
is still among the missing.
is apparently gone as well, and
. We bid these users to hurry back, lest their userpages and works be smited with the hammer of pointless vandalism.
Check out these pages!
From our logs:
01:08, 3 June 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ? (So far you've edited the pages 'your mom' and 'school'. Want me to try and guess your age?)
07:46, 2 June 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ? (bored fuckes should go fuck boards. It's too early in the morning and I can't think of anything smart to say)
20:04, 30 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ? (Cyberbullying: we don't want to hear about people you know and why you want to suck their dick. I know that's not quite what you said, but something about what you said implied it)
20:38, 29 May 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ? (PLEASE MASSUH WHIP ME, OH MAH GOD, I'M GETTIN' SO HOT, I'LL SUCK YO DICK!!!!!!)
Biopic of the Week
The very Reverend
is the undisputed, acknowledged, and slightly puce
of . As such, reporting about him in a newspaper may be an act of such metaphysical self-referentialism that it creates a negative feedback loop, destroying the universe, or at least this wiki. But, in the name of bringing Zim's name to our readership, that's a risk we're willing to take. We'd normally link to a bunch of stuff he's done at this point, but just take a look at
- as we mentioned, he's basically the guy who keeps it all tickin'. Rats off to ya, Zim!
Old School Featured Article of the Week
In a week when
is trying to reach out to the
community, perhaps it is an apt time to consider how far he is going to have to reach. Will he ever be able to bridge the gap all the way to the readership of ? "The magazine for "True ™",
was formed to cater to the needs of the modern
fundamentalist", and is just as relevant
as it was way back in .
kept article of the week
has been referred to as "amusing", "pretty funny" and "hilarious". Go see why people thought it worth having around.
Delievered by
03:04, 5 June 2009 (UTC)
Did you know *snicker*...Ahem.
Did you know that
IS TEH GHEYZORS? LOLOLOL!
Also, we've decided to keep our Colonization projects contained to
for your watchlisting convenience.
Put it in your watchlist and try to remember to add a cuss word or something once in a while eh?
Also also, I heard that
likes the smell of his own farts.
Have fun Colonizers and let's be careful out there. -
15:08, 6 Jun
FROM THE DESK OF GUILDENSTERNENSTEIN
Thank you for supporting my recently .
(Though it hasn’t actually been featured yet.)
The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!
June 11th, 2009 • Issue 51 • Also available in convenient suppository form!
In a move that shocked the Uncyclopedia community, female user
this week posted a topic in the lovable . The shocking part of the incident was that an actual girl visited Uncyclopedia. Hooray! Our numerous virgin users can now cross off 'make contact with a woman (without giving a credit card number) over the internet, phone, or via smoke signal' from the list of steps towards achieving . Though we can't help you with that face-to-face stuff...we hear that genre of contact is terrifying.
The content of the post was too lengthy and riddled with cooties for the male, attention span deficient UnSignpost editors to actually read. Furthermore, the UnSignpost
refuses to add cootie insurance to the UnSignpost employee health plan. However, resident awesome potatochopper and known girl
was recruited to read the message and react as if she had been asked a clever question by a hypothetical handsome UnSignpost reporter. From her exclusive comments, it seems that the topic poster was disappointed in the vulgarity and immaturity displayed by many of our gentlemen users. "I find the crassness rather endearing,"
responded, "in moderation." So, the moral of the story is: the users who really count will forgive us our occasional desire to cuss a blue streak or upload some boob-related images. So...go nuts!
Cabal Criticism of the Week
This week, lead Cabalist
with an expiry time of Judgement Day, and did not provide a reason for the epic pwning. We here at the UnSignpost would like to call out
on this lack of explanation. Not as a courtesy to the user, which he certainly did not earn through his insertions of a weird version of a California article into several unseeming places. No, we would like to know why
did not take advantage of an opportunity that was ripe with comedic potential.
Surely this poor soul's username could have resulted in a ban reason referencing shiny red shoes or flying monkeys? A statement concerning the location of the user being a place that is not Kansas? We would have settled for a measly 'looking for a brain' line. But instead, you left us hanging, . We'd like to officially call you on it, and we take comfort in knowing that though you can ban the editors, and you can ban our freedom, you can never ban the UnSignpost. Though, on second thought, you could delete it.
Check out these pages!
FREAKING LIAR!
From our logs:
15:19, 7 June 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ?(How To: Fuck off for 3 months)
17:49, 7 June 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ?(one two fuck you!)
10:00, 8 June 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ?(comedy website. all football clubs get equal treatment here - ie a merciless slagging. mind you, chelsea really do suck.)
Biopic of the Week
Of all of the writers enshrined in the ,
has the highest number of featured articles without having ever been profiled in the UnSignpost. Whoops, not anymore. Anyway, his
reads like a what's-what of awesomeness. The entity known as e|m|c also organized and ran several
competitions. Worshipful notes and pie can be sent to his talk page.
Retraction of the Week
In last week's exceedingly humorous , we referred to Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435 was requiring all returning users to announce themselves in the forums. This is actually Bylaw #453. We apologize for the mistake, and also from the confusion resulting from the real Bylaw #435, which states that every 94 days a user's dog must be sacrificed to the . Sorry , and get well Fluffy!
This Week in Uncyc, 1215
was signed by King John of England, granting certain rights to serfs, peasants, slaves, farmers, and servants. This was immediately parodied in Ye Olde Signeposte, Uncyclopedia's bi-weekly periodical of the time. It was depicted as a document that forced King John to admit he had the power to tax servants, control every aspect of farmer's lives, and shoot serfs in his Royal Preserves for sport.
I think I'm going crazy. —
15:42, 12 June 2009 (UTC)
Hello, I am in the process of assigning themes to the portals
('skinning' them) to look like the
Mind if I have a go at yours?  –     
16:19, 14 June 2009
Also, I was wondering if you were going to update your portals.
There hasn't been much activity from your account, and these need some TLC pronto.
I'll give you 2 more days before I have to make some heavy edits.
Please respond.  –     
17:48, 16 June 2009
The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes
June 18th, 2009 o Issue 52 o Thinly sliced news, between two slices of humor, with lettuce and hollandaise sauce
This week,
was established by Uncyclopedia Internetist and Lead Executive of Sandwiches, . Previously some sort of secret cabal hazing page, lead cabalists have thrown the doors of
open to reveal thinly sliced meats on a variety of breads. Or they would have, if the cabal existed, which it doesn't. Official Cabal Spokesman
exclusively explained the new feature best: "The cabal, as part of its never-ending efforts to assert its all-consuming control over the citizenry, has now introduced voting for sandwiches. Each editor will be required to eat the elected sandwiches for the entire following month. Members of the cabal will closely observe voter's decisions to make sure that no vile sandwiches, such as BAKED BEANS ON TOAST WITH MELTED CHEESE, will be chosen. That's just vile. Editors will not be allowed to protest over the "democratically" "chosen" "sandwich". We're not Iran."
Reactions to the new voting page were mixed. Some users were excited for the opportunity to express their fondness towards various lunches, provided that those lunches are a sandwich. "I'm glad that sandwiches, a comedy staple due to their low-priced nature and assembly so simple that even a writer can construct one, are finally getting their due on Uncyclopedia," said resident criminology term . Others were not so supportive of the move, and point to recent disturbing trends since the introduction of , the most disturbing being the raiding of the fridge in the Uncyclopedia break room and the subsequent theft of all sandwiches. Well, maybe not all sandwiches, but one specifically marked ". do not eat." So far no group has claimed responsibility for this act of sandwich-related terrorism. I will find you, you little punk! And when I do, you're making me another sandwich!
Comebacks! Only $19.95! Call Now!
Following a month and a half hiatus, resident VFD overlord and prince of pants
is alleged to have . According to , MrN was spotted responding to his talk page and maintaining , among various other tasks. What other things he may do remains to be seen. We do know, however, that he has been welcomed warmly by the community, with Mordillo giving him the brand new nickname "fucker" and various users bestowing an
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Call Now And Get 2 for the Price Of 1!
Following in MrN's robotically symmetrical footsteps was noted keyboard component . After many weeks of inactivity, Sys has returned to once again putter the
ship around Uncyclopedia Harbor. He has described his goals as "re-assimilate as best I can" and "Go to hell, ". We would like to welcome both of these users back to the loving Uncyclopedia family, and urge them to GET BACK TO WORK!!
Things Brewing In IRC
People are yelling at each other, stalking each other, and randomly talking to one another. What I am talking about is, of course, , the
melting pot of Uncyclopedia, where users of all stands, races, and
can talk about unimportant issues. It has recently come to our attention that ruthless battles were being fought on the fields of IRC.
decided to check things out for himself. He was confronted with gay dinosaurs,
and . Though this one time visit cannot render a clear view of the complex nature of IRC, it might give us a glimpse into the mind of the common IRCer. The dark, mysterious character of IRC remains.
Check out these pages!
From our logs:
14:37, 11 June 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a nice stroll in the park ?(The only edit I can make on this website right now is blocking myself. Woohoo!)
15:42, 12 June 2009
(Talk | contribs) changed block settings for
(Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ?(Follow the yellow brick road to oblivion! Put on your red shoes and dance! dance! Ackowledge that you're no longer in Kansas, Toto. And yes I am the wicked witch of the west. I have a wart to prove it)
12:11, 16 June 2009
(Talk | contribs) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ?(vandullism - and your cheese looks old and stale anyway. bring me something fresher. and a red onion chutney - let's do this properly)
Biopic of the Week
~ Bursting onto the Uncyclpedia scene in March 2009, this spunky female user already has quite the impressive resume. Her
speak of her monumental potatochopping abilities, and she won consecutive Potatochopper of the Month awards. Yeah, that's right. Consecutive. We look forward to many more expertly manipulated images and other general awesomery from Sonje in the months to come.
Old School Featured Article of the Week
Continuing in the vaguely sandwich-related theme,
are a staple of English cuisine. With a complicated recipe that often leads to dangerous and/or hilarious consequences, this food is nevertheless a highly desirable meal for any self-respecting gentleman or lady in England, and is often served at croquet competitions and monocle-wearing contests. Pictured at right is the extra-crunchy West Country variety.
This Week in Uncyc, 3500 BC
The Great Pyramids of Giza, one of the greatest technological and engineering feats in human history, was parodied in the monthly
newsletter Bird, Bird, Crocodile, Man With Dog Face, Bird, which was painstakingly written on
reeds by dozens of slaves. In the periodical, the Pyramids were described as "just okay", and were depicted as a stepping stone to grander projects such as Great Cubes and perhaps even a Great Octagonal Prism.
Reason to Leave Uncyclopedia of the Week
#12: Space issues. With so many users returning, and
refusing to grant access to the Cajek Mansion (which takes up over 60% of all Uncyclopedia's property), there just isn't enough room for us all.
You'd think I'd learn that this isn't fun to do... Oh well.
20:31, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
June 25th, 2009 • Issue 53 • The newspaper that steals other newspapers' lunch money
Several users have recently begun campaigns to rid Uncyclopedia of some of its oldest, cruftiest, stalest content, or so they would have you believe. We at the UnSignpost aren't here to report anything other than the facts, including but not limited to: opinions, speculation, and pictures of cats with funny captions.
First on the chopping block was the
series. This group of articles apparently chronicles the made-up version of history as recorded by people who aren't very funny.
has taken the lead in the crusade against this unholy document, and reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users supported the good doctor, while others appreciated his sentiment but enjoyed the crisp, fresh smell of proper procedure much better. Noted deletionist
made an appearance in order to streamline the effort to remove all of the unfunniness from the , and he has been joined by several other users seeking to improve rather than delete the entire project.
Next in line for the
was Uncyclopedia's longest-running and only soap opera, . At the head of this movement is prominent murderous amphibian , who made such bold claims as "Vanity, sir!" and "Words words words!" As this project is not merely a page but an entire slew of pages, it was rejected by the , but further actions may be in the works.
When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder
responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"
Usefulness of IP Contributions Called Into Question...Again
The question of whether or not we should allow IPs to edit our precious humor wiki has been raised yet again, this time by plucky Der Unwehr founder . UnSignpost reporters were baffled by the concept of what an IP was, until it was explained that it is some sort of automatic vandalism robot designed to troll websites, post vanity, and ensure all articles make the proper amount of references to .
The debate raged fiercely, with many users falling on either side of the so-called "IP line". One camp decided that the contributions from these entities did more harm than good to the community and its collection of humor. The opposing faction took up the opposite view: that IP editors were harmless and at worst an annoyance. , the
for the IP defense team, made several compelling arguments, most notably the case that IPs are adorable and thus harmless. In the end, it was decided that IP editing is something we must live with, mostly because
doesn't allow it, and we don't want to be any more like them than we already are.
When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder
responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"
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From our logs:
01:41, 24 June 2009
(Talk | contribs | block) blocked
(Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ? (Dex is all like BAN HIM and I'm like OKAY DEX)
00:18, 21 June 2009
(Tal}